Response paper Essay Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 500 words - 4

Response paper - Essay Example A neighbor says: â€Å"Good fences make good neighbors†, but for the main character this claim is vague. He cannot guess whether this claim is right or wrong. Frost introduces different metaphors and comparisons trying to compare the issues of privacy of the modern society with the laws of nature. He talks about animals and he says that there is no need to hide from each other and to build the walls. Another neighbor opposes to him and sticks to his point claiming that it is better to be separated from each other and live one’s life the way he wants. We can see that the boundaries between neighbors are too thin and the rights of individuals can hardly be protected. On the one hand, to build a wall is to show respect to the privacy of another person, but on the other hand, it underlines a feeling of estrangement: Moreover, there are essential contradictions raised by the author, when he wants to discuss whether it is relevant to build walls or it is easier to destroy them? These questions are of crucial importance for the contemporaries, when the issues of privacy are high on the agenda. Nowadays privacy really became crucial. There is no doubt that a desire of freedom was embodied in individual privacy of the society. Further on, it is relevant to claim that the issues of privacy are too much desirable by some people and they are ready to live on their own and to be detached from others. Dependency is awful for our contemporaries, we struggle for independence and it represents our primary goal. Independence and freedom are two basic pillars of the modern society, in which only free person can be happy. It is hard to sustain these two pillars, but it is even harder to destroy them. Whether Frost right or wrong, but he makes us think about people around us and to show that humane treatment is one of the first and foremost things in the world. It is easy to build

Williams Syndrome - Genetic Pediatric Illness Research Paper

Williams Syndrome - Genetic Pediatric Illness - Research Paper Example   After some time, A.J. Beuren came across his own set of 11 patients who also had the same symptoms as described by Dr Williams in the past. Thanks to his contribution to the study of what was then an unknown illness, the disease was named after the two men who contributed the most its understanding, Williams-Beuren Syndrome. However, the illness has also come to be known by other illnesses over the years. Physiopedia (2011) lists the other names as follows: Dr. Aneal Khan M.D., who authored an article regarding Williams Syndrome for Medscape Reference (2011) described the clinical manifestation of the illness to include; â€Å"a distinct facial appearance, cardiovascular anomalies that may be present at birth or may develop later in life, idiopathic hypercalcemia, and a characteristic neurodevelopmental and behavioral profile†. The disease does not seem to afflict anyone specific gender, ethnicity, race, or socioeconomic background. However, it does seem to be most prevalent among children, affecting 7500 of every 20000 births. The most common symptoms of the birth defect according to Dr Rob Hicks (2011) include but are not limited to: Various in-depth studies of the illness link Williams Syndrome to the genetic makeup of an individual. Dr Rob Hicks (2011), author of â€Å"Williams Syndrome† for BBC Health explained that WS afflicted individuals most often have a defect in the DNA chain of chromosome 7 with about 26 genes deleted from its long arm. Unfortunately, chromosome 7 is one of the most important elements of the human gene as this particular gene is tasked with the manufacture of the protein elastin which according to Dr Hicks (2011), is â€Å"is responsible for providing strength and elasticity to blood vessel walls. â€Å" Babies born with Williams Syndrome are often underweight upon birth with difficulty in gaining weight and have certain development defects such as speech problems with the ability to speak not becoming present until the age of 3. However, the most concerning matter of this illness is the widespread Cardiovascular complications associated with it.  Ã‚  

Why Is Indian Currency Falling Economics Essay

Why Is Indian Currency Falling Economics Essay The value of Indian currency has weakened over the last 15 years. The Indian rupee fell 0.7 per cent against the US dollar at 55.71 on the back of a weak trade data. The Indian rupee has shed close to 25 per cent value over the past one year.  It is likely to fall further.   1) Exports falling: One of the main reasons for Indian currency falling is the exports falling which leads to trade deficit. The demand for US$ goes up with the increase in trade deficit. Indias trade deficit increased to $ 15.5bn in July 2012 which is significantly higher than $ 10.3bn reported in June 2012. The trade deficit occurs when a country imports more goods and services than exports.   2) Current account deficit could rise: India is not being able to achieve the export target of $ 350bn. Due to this; Indias current account deficit could be higher than expected. This occurs when import of goods and services is higher than their exports. A higher current account deficit contributes to weaken the currency.   3) Dependence on foreign flows: In order to finance the current account deficit India needs strong foreign capital. However, the probability of allocating more money by the foreign invertors to India is poor. Therefore, India requires reforms to reduce deficits and to boost up the growth in infrastructure through investment.   4) Fiscal deficit: A fiscal deficit occurs when governments expenditure exceeds the earning through taxes and other sources of income. The government borrowing from the Reserve Bank of India shows the fiscal deficit. It is important for countries to keep it under control. A large fiscal deficit forces central banks to print more money and stoke inflation which decreases the value of money.   5) Growth slows: To sustain the high expenses and boost exports, India needs a strong growth rate. However, the balance of payment is not positive. It is expected that India will grow at less than 6 per cent in 2012-13 and at the same time, a weak monsoon could again increase the food price. This leads to inflation. Appreciation and depreciation for Indian currency: Rupee is the Indian currency. Just like any commodity the Rupee also has a price which keeps fluctuating. The US Dollar being universal currency, all prices of currencies are generally expressed in Dollars. Hence in case of the Rupee, its price at any point in time maybe say, Rs.45/$. With the change of the indicators the value of the rupee as per the dollar changes. When value of Indian currency increases i.e. say Rs.40/$ it is said to have Appreciated (Value) in the reverse case say Rs.50/$ then the Rupee Depreciates (Value). Rupee changes values for a range of reasons, like if US performs very well then people will demand more US dollars, exchanging their rupee. This Demand will raise the price of the US dollar and hence depreciate the Indian Rupee .For e.g.:   Let us assume that in case, you go to a bank and asks the bank that you intend to buy US$100, please tell me what is the amount of INR you have to pay.  Ã‚   Bank informs you that you need to pay Rs 5410/-.   This means you can buy US$ @ Rs.54.10 per dollar.  Ã‚   This is the selling rate of the said bank for US $ for that day. Now after one month, you go to bank and again ask the bank that you wish to buy US$ 100, and bank tells you that this time you have to pay Rs.5490.   This means you have pay more to receive the same amount of US $.  Ã‚   This means the local currency has depreciated. This will be known as Depreciation of Indian Rupee.   In the above example, it is clear that value of INR has gone when compared to US$. On the other hand, if the rate quoted by bank on second occasion is say Rs. 5380/-.  Ã‚   It will be considered as appreciation of INR as this time you have to pay less amount to buy the same amount of US$. How weakening rupee against dollar impact India? The Weakening rupee against the US dollar makes the imports, overseas travel and studies at foreign universities more expensive. The sharp fall of Indian currency against the US dollar rises the price of edible oil, petroleum products, fuels and white good. White goods and phone maker are considering a 2-10% increase in prices. But weakening the rupee against dollar is cheering exporters and families that depend on remittances. Some of the impacts of weakening rupee against dollar in India are as follows: More rupees for dollars remitted. Exporters get more rupees against dollars. As foreigners will have to pay fewer dollars for vacationing in India tourism may get little hike. Students wanting to study abroad will have to pay higher fee and living charges in rupee terms. More rupee would be needed to fund foreign education. Travelling overseas get more expensive as one has to shell out more rupees for the same amount of dollars. One would have to keep more rupees on hand to purchase dollars to fund foreign travel. Imports to get costlier. Companies will have to pay more for repaying foreign debt. The price of oil, petrol, diesel and fuel will go up substantially. The LPG could also become high. As the result of price hike of fuel, the transportation cost will also go up and the increase in the transportation cost leads to rise on the price of the goods causing higher inflation. Higher oil import bill could put greater strain on government finances, given clamor for higher subsidies. Electronic goods which depend on imports and royalty become more expensive. NRI and exporters would be happy and can be expected to remit more dollars as they would get a higher price. Companies like IT software, Pharmacy and BPO would gain from the dollars that they earn by providing goods and service abroad. How far will it fall? Currently $1=53.58 but the experts have predicted that it may hit 55 in 2013(this year) given the weak fundamentals of the economy. RUPEE APPRECIATION IN RELATION TO DOLLAR: The appreciation of rupee affects the whole economy. Appreciation occurs because of the inflow of dollar and the rupee is pushed higher be exporters selling pressure. Another reason for appreciation of rupees is increase in flow of funds through foreign institutional investors. The appreciating rupees also affect various sectors of economy both positively and negatively. RUPEE APPRECIATION IN RELATION TO DOLLAR AS A BOON  Ã‚ ® By the appreciation of the rupee, importers are benefited the most. They have to pay fewer rupees in terms of dollars i.e. more dollar denominated goods can be purchased from lesser amount of rupee.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚  Energy(oil, fuel, petrol, diesel, etc) dependent sectors will benefit more comparing to others since import cost will decrease.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚   The profit margin of the companies importing the raw materials from the foreign market to produce the goods having domestic demand will increase.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚  The cost of machineries and equipment that are imported will be lesser which benefits the capital goods sectors.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚  It is also a good sign for governments financial health because in the long run a stronger rupee would be sound for the Indian economy and will bring Indias purchasing power at par with other currencies.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚  Appreciation of rupee also benefits the oil marketing companies like BPCL, HPCL, and IOC which purchases crude oil from abroad.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚   rupee appreciation is a good sign for any currency. In a long run the rupee may gain more value as currency due to strengthening the rupee value in the foreign exchange marker. â‚ ¬Ã‚   RUPEE DEPRECIATION IN RELATION TO DOLLAR Since the independence till today rupee is continuously depreciating. It had reached the level of 53.58 in February 2013. However service export and NRI remittance witnessed solid which resulted in current account surplus and a turnaround for the country running in trade deficits in the past. Gradual depreciation of the rupee contributes to substitute direct export subsidy. Lower rupee benefits exporter as the exporter can lower the price and sell in the foreign market. RUPEE DEPRECIATION IN RELATION TO DOLLAR AS A BOON  Ã‚ ® Rupee depreciation can attract overseas buyers which helps the exports to grow faster.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚  Rupee depreciation can increase export which also increases the export competitiveness that helps the economy to grow. It becomes easier for the exporters to survive in the foreign market as they can lower the price to increase sales volume.  Ã‚ ®Ã¢â€š ¬Ã‚  Indias foreign structure also support weak rupee since it includes leather, textiles, gems and jeweler and most of the manufacturers and exporters are medium and small sized who are operating on low margins and they can not absorb currency risks but weak rupee can allow them to sell their product at lower price.  Ã‚ ®About two-thirds of Indias IT revenue is in terms of dollar. So for the IT companies, the weakening rupees means an increase in the operating profits as they will receive more rupees for each dollar earned.  Ã‚ ®The export of textile business with lower profit margins will go up with the depreciating rupee which directly benefits the textile industries  Ã‚ ®Depreciating rupee is like an invitation to commodity sector. US being the largest importer, majority of the Indian commodity exports are dollar denominated. The metal companies especially the iron-ore exporters would be benefited as they will have gains accruing from lower global commodities prices on account of rising dollar. RUPEE DEPRECIATION IN RELATION TO DOLLAR AS A BANE  Ã‚ ®Importers are the biggest losers from the depreciation of the rupee as they have to pay more rupees in terms of dollars i.e. less dollar denominated goods has to be purchased by paying higher amount of rupee.  Ã‚ ® The cost of import will increase which also increases of oil, fuel, petroleum products etc.  Ã‚ ®The profit margin of the companies importing the raw materials from the foreign market to produce the goods having domestic demand will decline.  Ã‚ ® As large number of machineries and equipments are imported in the capital goods sectors it is not beneficial for such sectors.  Ã‚ ® A weaker rupee means weaker Indias purchasing power as compare with other currencies. This affects the financial condition of the government and the country in the long run.  Ã‚ ®Oil marketing companies like BPCL, HPCL, and IOC which import crude oil will have to pay higher import bill with the fall in rupee which will adversely affect the oil market.  Ã‚ ®Telecom companies like AIRTEL, Idea with huge requirement for import capital expenditure stand to lose from a fall in the rupee value.  Ã‚ ® Depreciation is not a good sign for any currency. In a long run the rupee may lose its value as currency due to weakening the rupee value in the foreign exchange marker.

Essay on Yeatsian and Western Influences on Chinua Achebes Things Fall

Yeatsian and Western Influences on Things Fall Apart      Ã‚   The Igbo culture is flexible and continuous; its laws are made by men and are not solid and permanent. Change is implicit in oral culture. Igbos have been able to retain their core beliefs and behavior systems for 5000 years because of the flexibility and adaptability of their culture. Yeats says things collapse from within before they are overwhelmed by things from without- Umuofia's collapse is its loss of faith, and that is also its strength, it's refusal to fight. But this self-destruction, this bending of societal codes is what keeps the culture from being annihilated. One fundamental question that occurs while trying to figure out how Yeats fits into an understanding of this book is whether or not things really do fall apart. From Okonkwo's point of view they certainly do, but Okonkwo's is not the only point of view in the book. Do things fall apart for the rest of the Umuofia tribes, and for the Ibo people, or does their center still hold, and it is just a center that they never shared with Okonkwo? It is important to look at the construction of the novel and the way it ties in with Yeatsian theory on the rise and fall of civilizations, and on personal tragedy.    The Yeatsian vision of Western history is of a world of "alternating civilizations, each giving way to one another through its inability to contain all human impulses within the enclosed scheme of value and being replaced by all that is overlooked and undervalued"(Wright 80). A fundamental principle of Yeats' vision is that things must "collapse from within before they are overwhelmed from without" (Wright 79). The falcon must lose the connection with the falconer before the center begins to l... ...escapeÉHe wiped his machete on the ground and went away" (205). An enduring aspect of the center of the Igbo people is the ability of that center to change and adapt. In an unchanging time, OkonkwoÕs inflexible will guaranteed his success as a clansman of the Igbo, a culture remarkable for its flexibility, but when the culture had to change to prosper, Okonkwo lost his center, and became a truly tragic figure.    Works Cited Kartennar, Neil ten. "How the Center is Made to Hold in Things Fall Apart." English Studies in Canada. Downsview, Ont. University of Toronto Press. 1975 Simola, Raisa. "World Views in Chinua AchebeÕs Works." Frankfurt am Main: New York. 1995. Wright, Derek. "Things Standing Together: A Retrospective on Things Fall Apart." Heinemann. Oxford; 1990. Chinua Achebe: A Celebration. Ed. Holst, Peterson. Rutherford.      

Electronic Health Records

In this paper this student will discuss the national mandate of electronic health records (EHR), and how this mandate is being implemented at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation. Also discussed are how Cleveland Clinic is progressing to achieve EHR, and what challenges this brings to patient confidentiality and self-determination. Lastly this student will provide information on the benefits of EHR in healthcare. According to Gunter & Terry (2005), â€Å"The electronic health record (EHR) is an evolving concept defined as a longitudinal collection of electronic health information about individual patients and populations. Primarily, it will be a mechanism for integrating health care information currently collected in both paper and electronic medical records (EMR) for the purpose of improving quality of care†. (p. 1). Office of the National Coordinator for Health Information Technology (ONC), and the American Health Information Community (AHIC) were created to oversee the EHR mandate that was set in place by President George Bush in 2004 (Simborg, 2008, p. 127) This goal has now transitioned to our current President, Barack Obama, who also is setting the goal for the year 2014. Electronic health records are set to take place of traditional paper records with the help of this initiative. The ability to have every healthcare organization operating with electronic health records serves numerous benefits for not only patients but healthcare providers. Some of the benefits include, additional patient safety, ability to communicate and collaborate with other healthcare providers, and the longevity of electronic health records. Patient safety is at the utmost importance to healthcare providers, and EHR enables providers to have an in-depth history of their patients, leading to better care and treatment. Due to patients receiving care from many different health care providers, this can act as a barrier when trying to maintain a collaborative process. By adopting EHR this enables all providers to participate in the care of the patient. When discussing the longevity EHR serves in our society Tang, Ash, Bates, Overhage, & Sands (2006), states â€Å"The 2005 Hurricane Katrina disaster exposed the fragility of America's health information infrastructure. When confronted by a hurricane, an avian flu pandemic, or a bioterrorism attack, the public needs to be able to depend on reliable access to their health information† (p. 27). If healthcare corporations adopt EHR, there will be no threat of patient medical records disappearing. After stating the goals of EHR, and the benefits it serves, this student will now discuss how EHR is being utilized at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation. One could say that the Cleveland Clinic were innovators in EHR, being one of the first institutions to ado pt EHR more than eleven years ago. According to Cleveland Clinic (2012), EHR is â€Å"enabling physicians to actively collaborate and exchange information to ensure appropriate coordination of care throughout a patient’s life†. MyChart has also been a large milestone in development as part of Cleveland Clinics adoption of EHR. MyChart gives patients access to medical records, test results, and physician notes through a portal on the internet that can be accessed at home online. â€Å"MyChart, Cleveland Clinic’s secure, online patient-centered recording tool, connects patients to personalized health information at any time† (Cleveland Clinic, 2010). One benefit MyChart gives to patients is the ability for them to participate in decisions and their care. While analyzing Cleveland Clinics utilization and plans for EHR, this student was able to evaluate strengths and weaknesses. Some strengths of the Cleveland Clinics plans for EHR include their development and growth of the EHR system, the innovation developed into the current plan, and the ability to incorporate patients into their healthcare. Being that Cleveland Clinic was one of the first institutions to start the process of adopting EHR, they in return have the biggest ability to grow, and develop their system. Cleveland Clinic has shown such innovation in their process that other institutions have sought help from them for development of their own system. In an article by the Plain Dealer (Kleinerman, 2013) the chief information officer at Glens Falls Hospital, Joan McFaul stated â€Å"Our relationship with Cleveland Clinic will advance information technology best practices at GFH, and we will benefit by having access to a broad base of knowledge and the expertise of one of the country's premier health systems†. When Cleveland Clinic developed MyChart, this plays a role in the patient self-determination act, being that the patients constantly have the ability to be informed about their healthcare, and to take part in any decision making. A weakness of the EHR system in place at the Cleveland Clinic includes the risk of confidentiality. Even though the ability to access health records online has numerous benefits, the ability that such records could become hacked always poses a risk. The health records are protected by a username and password through the Cleveland Clinic website. With all of the technological advances it seems as though it is becoming easier and easier for unknown people to access personal information. This student believes that more precautions should be taken when a patient’s confidentiality is at risk. This student also believes more information should be needed to access health records online, instead of just a username and password that provides little security. After reviewing the EHR mandate, and the benefits it serves to healthcare institutions, this student believes that if more institutions adopted this system it would ultimately give better patient care. Also after further research into Cleveland Clinics development of EHR, this student feels the growth of this system in endless. While there are some flaws to this system, with time EHR at Cleveland Clinic could ultimately become one of the nation’s leaders that other institutions wish to learn from.

Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 1

The third book in the Love Story series, 2010 1. Hello Kitty BEING THE JOURNAL OF ABIGAIL VON NORMAL, Emergency Backup Mistress of the Greater Bay Area Night The City of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge, shaved vampyre cat named Chet, and only I, Abby Normal, emergency backup mistress of the Greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired love monkey, Foo Dog, stand between the ravenous monster and a bloody massacre of the general public. Which isn't, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass. Still, I think that this battle of dark powers; the maintenance of my steamy, forbidden romance; the torturous break-in of a new pair of red vinyl, thigh-high Skankenstein; platform boots; as well as the daily application of complex eye makeup and whatnot, totally justify my flunking Biology 102. (Introduction to Mutilation of Preserved Marmot Cadavers, with Mr. Snavely, who totally has his way with the marmots when no one is around, I have it on good authority.) But try to tell that to the mother unit, who deserves this despair and disappointment for cursing me with her tainted and small-boobed DNA. Allow me to catch you up, s'il vous plaà ®t. Pay attention, bitches, there will be a test. Three lifetimes ago, or maybe it was like last semester, because like the song says, â€Å"time is like a river of slippery excretions when you're in love†-anyway-during winter break, Jared and I were in Walgreens looking for hypoallergenic eye makeup when we encountered the beautiful, redheaded Countess Jody and her consort of blood, my Dark Lord, the vampyre Flood, who was totally disguised in jeans and flannel as a loser. And I was all, â€Å"Nosferatu.† Whispered to Jared like a night wind through dead trees. And Jared was all, â€Å"No way, you sad, deluded little slut.† And I was all, â€Å"Shut your fetid penis port, you spunk-breathed poseur.† Which he took as a compliment, so that's how I meant it, because while Jared is deeply gay, he's never really gayed anyone up, except maybe his pet rat, Lucifer. Strictly speaking, I think Jared would be considered a rodentsexual, if not for the difficult geometry of the relationship. (See, size does matter!) Note to self: I should totally set Jared up with Mr. Snavely and they can talk about squirrel-shagging and whatnot and maybe I won't have to repeat Bio 102. Anyway, Jared is a fitting support player in the tragedy that is my life, as he dresses dismal chic and excels at brooding, self-loathing, and allergies to beauty products. I've tried to talk him into going pro. ‘Kayso, the vampyre Flood had me meet him at a club, where I offered up myself to his dark desires, which he totally rejected because of his eternal love of the Countess. So he bought me a cappuccino instead and appointed me to be their official minion. It is the duty of the minion to rent apartments, do laundry, and bring the masters a sack with a tasty kid in it, although I never did that last part because the masters don't like kids. ‘Kayso, the vampyre Flood gave me money and I rented a trs cool loft in the SOMA (which is widely accepted to be the best ‘hood for vampyres because there's mostly new buildings and no one would suspect ancient creatures of purest evil to hang out there). But it turns out, it was like half a block from the trs cool loft in the SOMA that they already lived in. ‘Kayso, when I take the key to them, hoping they will bestow the dark gift of immortality upon me, this limo full of wasted college-age guys and a painted blue ho with ginormous fake boobs pulls up. And they're all, â€Å"Where is Flood? We need to talk to Flood. And let us in,† and other demanding shit. And I'm all, â€Å"No way, step off Smurfett. There's no one named Flood here.† I know! I was all, Oh-my-fucking-zombie-jebus-on-a-pogo-stick! She was blue! And I'm not racist, so shut up. She clearly had self-esteem issues that she compensated for with giant fake boobs, slutty blue body-paint, and doing a carload full of stoners for money. I'm not judging her by the color of her skin. Everyone copes. When I got braces I went through a Hello Kitty phase that lasted well into my fifteens, and Jared maintains that I am still perky at heart, which is not true. I am simply complex. But more about the blue hooker later, because right then the Asian guy looks at his watch and says, â€Å"Too late, it's sunset.† And they drove off. Which is when I opened the door into the stairwell to the loft and was confronted by Chet, the huge shaved vampyre cat. (Except, at the time, I didn't know his name, and he was wearing a red sweater, so I didn't know he was shaved, and he wasn't a vampyre yet. But huge.) So I'm all, â€Å"Hey, kitty, go away.† And he did, leaving only William, the huge shaved cat homeless guy, lying on the steps. I thought he was dead, because of the smell, but it turns out he was only passed out from alcohol and partially drained of blood and stuff. But I'm pretty sure he's dead now because, later, Foo and I found his stank-ass clothes on the steps of the loft, full of the gray dust that people turn to when a vampyre drains them. So upstairs I'm all, â€Å"There's a dead guy and a huge kitty in a sweater on your steps.† And the Countess and Flood are all, â€Å"Whatever.† And I'm all, â€Å"And there was a limo full of stoners here who were totally hunting you.† And they were all, â€Å"Whoa.† And they seemed more freaked out than you'd think, for ancient creatures of dark forbidden romance and whatnot. And it turns out they weren't-I mean, aren't. I mean, sure, their love is eternal, and they are creatures of unspeakable evil and stuff, but they are not ancient at all. It turns out that the vampyre Flood is only like nineteen, and he's only known the Countess for like two months. And she's only like twenty-six, which, while a little crusty, is not that ancient. And despite her advanced age, the Countess is beautiful, with long, totally natch red hair and milky skin, green eyes like emerald fire, and a smoking body that could turn a girl totally lesbo if she wasn't already a slave to the mad, man-ninja sex-fu of the delicious Foo Dog. (Foo keeps insisting that he can't be a ninja because he's Chinese and ninjas are Japanese, but he's just being stubborn and goes all Angry, Angry Asian on me whenever I bring it up.) ‘Kayso, in the master's loft I see these two bronze statues, one of this crusty businessman-looking guy, and the other looks like the Countess, except it's totally naked, or in a leotard, and bronze. And I'm all, â€Å"Exhibitionist, much, Countess? Did it come with a pole?† And she's all, â€Å"Help Tommy move furniture, Wednesday.† Like that makes any sense at all. (Turns out that Wednesday is a Gothish character from some crusty movie.) ‘Kayso, later, by virtue of my extensive research and sneaking around and whatnot, I find out that the statues aren't statues at all. That the Countess used to be inside the statue of her, and that inside the crusty businessman statue is the real ancient creature of unspeakable evil, the nosferatu that turned the Countess. And the vampyre Flood, who wasn't a vampyre at all at the time, had bronzed the two of them when they were sleeping the deep sleep of the daytime dead, which is like the deepest sleep you can get. (You should know right now, that there's no yawning, gentle drift into sleepytime for vampyres. When the sun breaks the horizon, they drop rag-doll dead on the spot, and you can pose them, paint them, put their hands on their junk and post the pics on the Web, and they won't know a thing until sundown when they come on like a light and they're wondering why their naughty bits are green and their inbox is full of propositions from elfin_love.com.) I know. Whoa! It turns out that Flood, who was known as Tommy, was chosen by the Countess as her day-minion, blood lunch, and love monkey, because he worked nights at the Safeway. Then, the old vampyre, who had turned the Countess only like a week before, started fucking with them-saying he was going to kill Tommy and generally harsh Jody's reality. ‘Kayso, Flood and his stoner Safeway night crew (called the Animals) hunted down the alpha vampyre, who was sleeping in a big yacht in the Bay, and they stole like jillions in art from the yacht and blew it up with the vampyre in it, which seriously put habaneras in his ‘tude lube, but when he came out of the water, they fucked him up a good long time with spear guns and whatnot. I know! Oh-my-fucking-god-ponies-in-the-barbecue! I know! It just goes to show you, like Lord Byron says in the poem: â€Å"Given enough weed and explosives, even a creature of most sophisticated and ancient dark power can be undone by a few stoners.† I'm paraphrasing. It may have been Shelley. ‘Kayso, the Countess saves the old vampyre from being toasted, but she promises the cops (there were these two cops) to take him away and never come back to the City, but when they go to sleep, Flood, who couldn't bear to lose Jody, took them downstairs to the biker-sculptors and had them bronzed. But when he was trying to explain to the Countess about why he did it, he drilled holes in the bronze by her ears, and she turned into mist, streamed into the room, and turned him into a vampyre. Which totally surprised him, because he didn't even know she knew how to do either of those things. (Misting and turning, I mean.) So then they're like, both vampyres, eternal in their love, but somewhat lame in their night skills. Because Jody had been feeding off of Tommy, she hadn't thought through what they would eat after Tommy turned vampyre. So, first they went to this homeless guy we'll call William the Huge Cat Guy (because that's what people call him) because he used to sit on Market Street with Chet and a sign that said, I AM POOR AND MY CAT IS HUGE. And they ended up renting the huge cat, Chet, to be their shared blood lunch. But it turned out that a large part of Chet's kitty hugeness was fur, so in order to facilitate the biting process, they shaved him. I'm just glad that I wasn't their minion yet, because I think we all know who would have ended up shaving the kitty. But no! It didn't work. I'm not sure why. But William got totally, date-rape-level hammered on the liquor he bought with the huge cat rent money, and they ended up feeding on him. Which is where I, the new princess-elect of darkness, was brought into the fold. (Into the â€Å"fold† means, like, the gang, as in gang of sheep, not fold like in what you do to T-shirts if you're a casual cotton slave at Old Navy.) It was I, who turned Tommy onto the needle exchange program, where he was able to use his pale thinness to convince them he was a junkie and get syringes so they could take William's blood and put it in the fridge for the Countess to have in her coffee. Turns out that the only way the vampyre can tolerate real food or drink is if it has a little human blood in it. (The Countess likes blood on her fries, which is at once trs cool and deeply fucked-up.) So, as soon as the Countess and Flood figured out the deal with blood and food, William the Huge Cat Guy wandered off and the Countess had to go find him, since she has more experience at hunting the night, while Flood and I moved stuff from one loft to the other. But I had to get lice shampoo for my useless little sister, Ronnie, who was plagued by vermin, and Flood sent me home early to spare me the wrath of the mother unit because he didn't want his minion on restriction. (So noble. I think that's when I fell in love with him.) Then he took the bronzed old vampyre down to the water to dump him in the Bay before the Countess got back. It was clear to me that Tommy had jealousy issues with the old vampyre, and wanted to get rid of him. Except he ran out of dark before he got to the Bay and had to leave the old vampyre sitting by the Ferry Building on the Embarcadero and run from the sun for his life. At the last minute, the Animals drive by in their limo with their stupid blue ho an d scoop the vampyre Flood off the street just before he was incinerated by the sun. I know. WTF? (FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read it What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters. Even BMLWA, or Bite My Lily White Ass should only be spoken as letters if you are hanging out with nuns or other people who are embarrassed about being told to bite asses.) ‘Kayso, the Animals go back to work at the Safeway, but not before they tie Flood to a bed frame, where the blue hooker tortured him to get him to turn her into a vampyre, because now she had like all the money that the Animals had gotten for the old vampyre's art, which was like six hundred thousand dollars, and she wanted to take her time spending it, so she wanted to be immortal. But Flood was like a complete vamp noob. He'd never even killed anyone and turned them to dust or anything, so he didn't know how to change someone. The Countess didn't tell him that the chosen had to drink the vampyre's blood to receive the dark gift. So the blue ho tortures the shit out of him. I know, what a bitch. Meanwhile, the Countess found the huge cat guy, and I found the lice shampoo, but we don't know where Tommy is. But the Countess was burned from going out on some hot water pipes, so she fed on me, right there in the loft, and I was all, â€Å"Oh shit, I'm going to get the dark gift and I'm, like, wearing my lime-green Chuck Taylors, which are totally not the kicks for becoming a creature of unspeakable power in.† But no, the Countess just partook of my sanguine nectar so she could heal. That's probably where I fell in love with her. Anyway, she goes asking around about Tommy, and this completely crazy homeless guy who thinks he is the Emperor of San Francisco (you see him and his two dogs in the north end of the City all the time) says that one of the Animals was asking around about Flood. So I'm all, â€Å"Uh-oh.† And the Countess is all, â€Å"Yep.† Next thing you know, we are at the Marina Safeway and the Countess-wearing her black jeans and red leather jacket, but no lipstick-underhands a steel reinforced trash can like as big as a lesbian gym teacher through the big front window, and she just walks right through the falling glass, badass as shit, into the store and starts kicking stoner ass. It was glorious. But she didn't kill anyone, which turned out to be a mistake, as was, in my humble opinion, not wearing any lipstick. For while it was a heroic ass-kicking as has ever been delivered in real life, it would have been that much cooler if she had some black lipstick on, or maybe something in a dark maroon. But they told her that Tommy was tied up at Lash's, the black guy's, apartment. And their shit was all busted up, and I was like, â€Å"You bitches have been powned!† And the Countess was like, â€Å"That's cute. Let's go get Tommy.† She can be kind of a bitch sometimes. Anyway, we go to the apartment where Tommy is being held, but when we get there, he's still tied to the bed frame, but stood up against a wall, all naked and covered in blood, even his junk. And the blue ho is dead on the floor. And I'm all, â€Å"Uh-oh.† And the Countess is all, â€Å"Yep.† And she says something about how the blue ho must have broken her neck or something, because if Tommy had drained her, she would have turned to dust and there would have been no body. Anyway, the cab ride back to the loft was trs awkward, you know, with Flood naked and covered with blood and the two of them all, â€Å"Oh I love you† and, â€Å"Oh I love you, too.† And I was being kind of a mopey little emo queen because I was jealous of both of them because they had their dark and eternal love for each other and I had like my lime-green Chucks and Jared the gay-bait rat-shagger. So that was good. The rescue and whatnot. Because we found the old vampyre art money that the Animals had paid to the blue ho, which was like a half a million dollars. But then we found out that the blue ho was not dead, but somehow had accidentally drunk some of Tommy's blood when she kissed him during his torture and now she was nosferatu. And she turned all the Animals. Which, you know, was bad. And not in the good way. And the old vampyre had somehow escaped his bronze shell, and he was coming after Tommy and Jody, and even me? He even shook the living shit out of William the Huge Cat Guy while Jared and I watched from an alley across the street. I know! We were all, â€Å"Whoa?† So it's like, Christmas night, and Jared and I are watching the midnight show of The Nightmare Before Christmas at the Metreon. And we're all traumatized and whatnot from watching the vampyre pound the huge cat guy, and the Countess calls us. And she and my Dark Lord Flood meet us for coffee at this Chinese diner, which is like the only thing open because the Chinese totally blow off Christmas because there are no dragons or firecrackers in the story. Note to self: Write narrative poem exploring Christmas if the three wise men had given baby Jesus firecrackers, a dragon, and mu-shu pork instead of that other crap. So, after all night drinking coffee laced with Jared's blood and getting the story on the old vampyre from the Countess and Flood, we go back to the loft and there, in the stairway, is the old vampyre, naked. And he's all, â€Å"I had to do some laundry. That guy peed on my tracksuit.† (He was wearing a total gangsta yellow tracksuit when we saw him shaking the huge cat guy.) So we like ran, and we had to hide my masters in some rafters under the Bay Bridge when they went out at dawn. No yawning or anything-they just became dead. Well, undead. So we wrapped them in trash bags and duct tape and moved them to Jared's basement lair in Noe Valley. (His basement lair is sacrosanct-his father and stepmother are afraid that they might walk in on him wanking to gay porn-so it was safe for the masters.) Meanwhile, I went back to the loft to feed Chet the huge shaved cat and decapitate the old vampyre with Jared's dagger so I could get extra-credit points with the masters, but it turned out that I had not calculated sundown quite right. Since when does the sun go down at like five o'clock? That's just fucking juvenile. Anyway, when I'm on the steps I hear the old vampyre moving around upstairs. And I'm all, â€Å"Awkward.† Then I hear a car pull up and I run out, right into the arms of this blond ho, who it turns out is the blue ho, who is now nosferatu, along with three of her vampyre minions who used to be the Animals. I know, â€Å"Uh-oh.† So she grabs me and is just about to tear my throat out, when the old vampyre grabs her by the neck and puts her face print in the hood of a Mercedes. He's all, â€Å"You're breaking the rules, ho. You can't just go turning people willy-nilly.† So I was doing a minor booty-dance of ownage at the blond ho, when they all turned on me. So I pull out Jared's dagger, but just the same I know they are going to have a huge group suck on my pale frame, when this totally fly, race-pimped Honda comes tearing out of the alley, and everything goes white light around the car. And my manga-haired love monkey, Foo, is totally in hero shades, and he's all, â€Å"Get in.† ‘Kayso, he swept me away in his magic nerd-chariot, which he had rigged with ultraviolet floodlights that totally toasted the vamps with simulated sunlight. I know! I'd have done him right there in the car if I was not trying to maintain my detached aura of aristocratic chill. So instead I kissed him within an inch of his life, then slapped him so he didn't think I was his personal slut, which I totally was. Would be. It turns out that Steve, which is Foo Dog's day-slave name, had totally been staking out the Countess Jody's apartment for like a month, since he figured out that she was a vampyre when some blood from one of the old vamp's victims turned up in his hemo-lab at Berkeley. Foo is like some kind of biotech ber-genius, in addition to having mad ninja-driving skills. Then Foo dropped me off at Tulley's on Market, where I met Jared and Jody, who sneaked by Jared's parents by pretending to be lovers, which is disgusting in so many ways I kind of gagged a little when I typed it. (Jared is my emergency backup BFF, but he is a pervy little rat-shagger, as the Countess affectionately refers to him.) So the Countess is all, â€Å"I'm going back to the loft to get the money.† And I'm all, â€Å"No, the old vampyre.† And she is all, â€Å"He is not the boss of me.† (Or something like that. I'm paraphrasing.) And I'm all, â€Å"Whatever, make sure you feed Chet.† So we go back to Jared's, and when we get there, the vampyre Flood is all fucked up from trying to climb face-down a building in the Castro after a delicious drag queen, like Dracula does in the book (only in the book it's not in the Castro and Dracula isn't after a drag queen). Note to self: When I am finally made nosferatu, do not try to climb face-down a wall. So then my sweet love ninja Foo shows up. And he's all, â€Å"I couldn't leave you out here, unprotected.† And secretly I was all, â€Å"You rock my stripy socks, Foo,† but publically I just kissed him and tastefully dry humped his leg a little. So we all got in his fly Honda and went back to the loft. When we got there, the second-floor windows were open, and Flood could hear that the old vampyre was up there with Jody. And Foo was all, â€Å"Let me go.† And out of the hatchback, he pulls this long duster that's covered with little glass warts. And Foo is all, â€Å"UV LEDs. Like sunlight.† The street-level fire door was locked, so Flood was all, â€Å"I'll go.† But Foo was all, â€Å"No, it will burn you.† But they covered Flood all over, gloves, hat, and a gas-mask that Foo keeps around in case of emergency biology and whatnot, then he put on the duster. Foo gave him a rubber tarp and a baseball bat, and Flood starts working the street like a half-pipe, running up a building on one side, then up the other, until he goes feetfirst through the upstairs window. Personally, I think the Countess could have just jumped up there, but she's been a vampyre longer than Flood and has better skills. ‘Kayso, there's this blinding white light from the windows, and next thing we know, the old vampyre comes crashing through the window like a flaming comet and hits the street right by us. And he gets up all blackened and snarly and whatnot, and Foo holds up his UV floodlight and he's all, â€Å"Step off, vampyre scum.† And the old vampyre ran off. Then Flood comes out the door carrying the Countess, who is looking way more dead than usual, and we took them to a motel to hide them until we could figure out what to do. Foo stole some donor blood from the lab at his college and gave it to Flood and the Countess so they could heal. And Foo's all, â€Å"You know, I've been working on the blood I found on the victims, and I think I can reverse the process. I can turn you human again.† Which is totally why he had been stalking the Countess when I met him. So Tommy and Jody were all, â€Å"We'll think about it.† ‘Kayso, Flood is holding Jody on the bed, and they're talking softly, but I can hear them, because I'm just by the door and the room's not that big. And it is clear that their love is eternal and will last for eons, but Flood doesn't like being a vampyre because the hours suck and whatnot, and Jody likes being a vampyre because of the power she feels after feeling like a little wuss-girl for many years, and they more or less say that they are going to split up just as the sun rises and they go out. And I was all, â€Å"Oh, hell no.† So I had them bronzed. I'm looking at them now. We posed them like Rodin's The Kiss and they shall be together unto the end of time, or at least until we figure out how to let them out and not have them tear out our throats and whatnot. Foo says it's cruel, but the Countess told me that they could go to mist, and when they are mist time passes like a dream and it's all good. But Foo did figure out his serum thingy. We lured the Animals to our love nest and while I was wearing the fly leather jacket that Foo made me, complete with the UV LED warts, which is very cool and cyber, I drugged them and Foo changed them back to human. And the crazy old Emperor guy said he saw three young vampyres take the old vampyre and the formerly blue ho away on a ginormous yacht, so we don't have to worry about them anymore. Foo wants to cut Flood and Jody out of the bronze statue during the day, while they are sleeping, and turn them back to human. But the Countess doesn't want that. So I think we should just wait. We have this trs cool apartment, and all of the money, and Foo almost has his master's in bio-nerdism or whatever, and I only have to go home like twice a week so the mother unit still thinks I am living there. (The key was to condition her from age twelve that sleepovers are normal. Lily, my former sleepover BFF, calls it slowly boiling the frog, which I don't know what it means, but it sounds darkly mysterious.) So, we are secure in our love nest and as soon as Foo gets home I am going to reward him with the slow booty dance of forbidden love. But something is screeching outside. BRB. Fucksocks! It's Chet the huge shaved vampyre cat, down on the street. He looks bigger, and I think he ate a meter maid. Her little cart is running and there's an empty uniform on the curb. Bad kitty! GTG L8erz.